Apr 30, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Sunday. We went to Jurong East to eat fish ball noodles. Your favourite. I still remember the last time we went there. We were all rushing you to eat finish so that you can go to the playground at IMM. And you were such a good boy to eat it up quickly. And of course, we let you have a longer time at the playground at the IMM. I miss you dearly ....

Now, then i realised what is unconditional love of a mother... no matter how much you hurt me with your words.. and how hard you push me away. I will always still miss you and love you... although you have been brain washed till you are so filled of hatred for me. I am still missing you.. cos i only remember the loving moments and words before your daddy knows that i am fighting for custody. Mother's love is unconditional... i will wait... till i die.. to be able to have a glimpse of hope to be with you.

Lovingly yours,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 30, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 27 pictures

I went to your school. It is drizzling.

The gate was opened.


Uncle Kim's car on the left. Your daddy is not at home.


You were yelling at me ...

demanding me not to take pictures of you.

You were so fierce.

LionHeart roars at Thursday, April 27, 2006 1 comments

1 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

yrs is mother's lOve... a mother's lOve will NEVER die
thats the ONLY kind of LOVE tt never fades

Thursday, May 04, 2006 12:02:00 AM  

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Apr 27, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Pain is all i felt today. By your words, actions and hostility from ah ma. It was raining, I went to school to look for you as i know that daddy is working. But it so happened, that you are sick once again and not in school. So i went to your house to look for you. Uncle Kim is there. And he didn't lock the gate. So i went in to look for you. You immediately notified ah ma...

You said:
Can you get out my way, my door?

and took up the phone and call that girl whom you called mommy.

Your one sided conversation goes like this:
Mommy, the mommy come already. In my house. *alot of whispers*

So when did i become 'the mommy' when she is 'mommy'.

Then you called your daddy and told him that i am here. Then i assume that daddy asked you to past the phone to ah ma. She spoke all the way in Hokkien. Luckily i know what she is talking about.

Her conversation:
She is in the house in the living room.
She came in. Uncle Kim left the gate open.
How I know?
ah. ah. ah. ah.
I already told her that she is not welcome in the house.
ah. ah. ah. ah.
She is already in the house standing in the hall.
Raphael is always running away to hide.
ah. ah. ah. ah. ah. ok. ok.

Those ah. ah. should be instructions given by your dad. After they put down. Your 'mommy' called again and you said ok.ok.ok.ok. It seems that you are also taking instructions on how to treat me. After all the conversations, you ran upstairs and hide and your ah ma repeated that she has the PPO against me and I can't come in. And how dare i come into her house, this is her house and she has the right not to let me in. And she tell me to get lost.

Come on.. baby. I just came to see you. I didn't even bother to acknowledge her presence.... And she said that she has already called the police which she didn't... but he did. For denying my rights to see my son? When he has already brain washed you till this way. You have been well trained in what you are supposed to said. Very mechanical. You should listen to your own voice and look at your actions. All the time, the phone has been ringing non-stop. The girl and your daddy called so many times to give instructions. Why are they so uptight with me seeing you. And whenever i ask you questions... you keep on looking at ah ma for confirmation. And she is so smart to stand directly behind me all the way when i was talking to you... what does this shows???

Then your ah ma said that she wants to closed the door... as Uncle Kim is going off already. SO i have no choice but to leave... cos i feel safer with Uncle Kim around.. if he is not around.. i wonder what your ah ma will do to me... splash water again.. i guess not.. since i am inside the house. She wouldn't want to dirty the interior of her own house.
Uncle Kim was really nice. He even offers me a ride out.. but i declined as i know that will put him in a difficult position as he is working for your ah gong. There is another impartial person around in the house which is Uncle Kim. He looks at me with the sympathetic smile....
Tears fell down like rain... when i start to walk out..... i can't stop the tears....

I love you baby... always......
I guess pictures are worth a thousand words........
Mommy.

Thought of the day:
It is the people who are stupid enough to believe their own selfishness, and are even willing to hurt their own children for their stupid beliefs.

LionHeart roars at Thursday, April 27, 2006 5 comments

5 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Jerome is pathetic and mad as usual... to even think about calling the police when you are only there to see your son.

Thursday, April 27, 2006 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger Wei shoots...

pls dun blame raf, as a child u jus follow wat u r told to do... even adults do that, they hear one side of story (esp bad ones) they jus act upon it... so how can we blame such a small kid not to believe wt tt jerk n the witch tells him abt u... hes not able to judge, n forcing him to believe it will jus tear him apart. sigh.. i knw its sad for u, but u can onli hang in there... n continue fighting.

Thursday, April 27, 2006 2:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

That's a good one...

Wicked witch from the west.

Thursday, April 27, 2006 3:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Be joyful in hope,
Patient in affliction,
Faithful in Prayer.
...
Please don't blame Raph. Give Raph n urself time.

Thursday, April 27, 2006 4:14:00 PM  
Blogger SGRMSE. shoots...

hullo (: random stranger bloghoppin here. i hafta say, i absolutely LOOVE your header image! :D Oh and in regards to the post,, hold on. Your day shall come (:

Friday, April 28, 2006 5:28:00 PM  

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Lipstick Incident



Dear Raphael,

I was given Elizabeth Arden and Dior lipsticks today. Looking at the lipsticks makes me think of you. You may wonder why... I remembered what happened to my one and only favourite lipstick. And from then on, i have never but anymore stick lipstick.... When you were 4 years old at grandma's old house at Toh Yi Drive, I was putting my make up and you said you also want to put on so I told you to help yourself... in the end, you took my eyebrown pencil and poke it inside my lipstick and stirred it till it turned mushy and sticky... ha ha... and you proudly showed it to me. Just by thinking of it, makes me smile... I never buy another till today.

Everything reminds me of you everyday....

Love,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Thursday, April 27, 2006 0 comments

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April 26, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Today, i received the lawyer's letter of what your daddy denied. It was so outrageous that i was laughing. Let me provide you with the details. Your dad can really tell lies with his eyes wide open and without consciences.... The petitioner refers to your daddy and the respondent refers to your biological Mommy

Lawyer letter:

She would bring the camera to take photographs of the Petitioner, his other, Raphael and his home.Some of the photographs would then be posted on her blog with varous comments, some of which are insulting and embarrassing.

Raphael, please look at the posting again. Various coments are made by the readers and i have already put some notes in my disclaimer. This blog is free for comments, advices for my fight for you.

On 24 Feb 06. Again Raphael refused to go with them and all 3 started to turn on the Petitioner and his other, hurling insulting and embarrassing remarks at him in full public view. On that occasion, the Respondent and her parents provoke the Petitioner into uttering words which are not usually in his vocabulary. Raphael was in the house while the Petitioner alone had gone to meet the Respondent and her parents at the gate to reason with them that they should not behave so unruly at his parents' home for all the neighbours to see but they ignore his pleas.

Raphael, what is embarrassing on 24 ? Calling your name and asking you to come out and see us for a while? And you were not in the house when your daddy came over and showed his hostility? I have pictures to show that you were beside. Luckily i took pictures. Otherwise you would not know what kind of lies he can come up with. Full public view... of course we are in the public as he didn't invite us in... or show any sign that he acknowledge us being there. OF course we need to raise our voices... but still no sign of acknowledging our presence. 'Words which are not usuallly in his vocab' .. i think, baby, you need to verify it yourself as you are living with him if not, you can still ask the most impartial person again. And by saying that we igored his pleas.... just look at the photos baby... pleas??? Gong gong was all the way telling him that what he is doing to you is wrong.... and it is painful for all of us... and daddy said that he don't find it painful... and of course me and grandma told gong gong that it is no point reasoning with him, we just have to see him in court. And that is when he hurled profanities at us and threatened to hammer us. The mention of seeing him in court can provoked him till this way??? Afraid? i guess so. Otherwise he would not use all kind of methods on you to make sure that you deny us all the way.

The petitioner has never been violent and unreasonable with the Respondent during the marrage. In fact,it was the Respondent who had in 2001 and 2003 hit the Petitioner when the Petitioner tried to check the Respondent's behaviour.

What a joke! No conscience! I am laughing so hard, Raphael. Maybe when you grow up, you can ask exactly what happen on that day... and ask the most impartial person in the house regarding the incident in 2001 And that does not refer to the people around you at this point of time and for the year 2003, you can ask Dray, our cell group friend who was living with us at that point of time that incident happened or gong gong and grandma as i called them in the middle of the night telling them what happen and gong gong came all the way from jurong to seng kang to check if i am alright and make sure that daddy promised not to hit me again.

The petioner and the Respondent separated in early 2004. The Petiioner met Joreen in mid 2004. It is not true that Joren is the Petitioner long-time gf. Joreen does not stay at 32 Fulton Ave S578995. The Petitioner has never told Raphael to address Joreen as 'mommy'

This is where you know best if you did call her..... mommy. And whether she stayed at your place for a period of time. I just hope that you will remember.

When the Petitioner and Respondent first separated in 2004, the Respondent still showed interest in their son and would visit him although not regularly.

Seeing the son once a week is not regular? Then may i pray what is regular? With regards to your timing given to me.

The petitioner wants the respondent to have access to their son. However, since Sept 5 when the Responden neglected Raphael during her access by not providing him any food for at least 12 hours, the child refuses to go with the respondent.

Baby, you can go back and read all the postings on sept. You have always been with mommy, grandma and gong gong. The day that your daddy had specifically stated in his previous letter, you did not even stay over with mommy. Now, he made it into a general sentence.. since sept 5. What a joke! Trying to cover up his blander and wrong accusations.

Neither the Petitioner nor his mother could prevent the Respondent and her parents from coming to try and get access to Raphael.

That is why they are filing the PPO against us, mommy, grandma and gong gong just to prevent us from coming and try to get access to you.

The Petitioner had informed the Respondent that as long as Raphael wanted to go with the Respondent, the gate would be unlocked for him. Since the Respondent made an issue of it, whenever the Respondent is at 32 Fulton Ave, the gate is not locked but the Respondent does not go in anyway. The Petitioner does not "splash water outside the house" to make the Respondent feel uncomfortable.

I have pictures to show that the gate is locked. Luckily i took pictures of the lock everytime. And i also do have the photos of the 'splash water outside the house' incident. Please look at previous posting baby.... and see what kind of daddy and ah ma you have.

Baby, All i want from you is your understanding of my situation and see that i am not what daddy has poison you with, with his lies, words, actions.... Due to all these that he had done and is still doing, you can't blame mommy for leaving daddy. I can't handle living with these kind of people. It is mentally tiring, emotional taxing and it is taking its toll on me. I just want to love you the way i know how to.... we, grandma, gong gong and mommy only want the best for you and for you to be brought up correctly and happily.

Please forgive me for anything that i am doing now which is not acceptable to your point of view. As i am still learning.... through painful experience which your daddy is trying to inflict on me.

You are the only needle that can make my heart bleed endlessly for you.
I love you,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Wednesday, April 26, 2006 5 comments

5 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Dear Xiaoping

I know it hurts and its damm painful to go thru it,I saw it, I have been thru it, I saw how Raphel cried when I sent him back to Fulton Ave (that idiot's house), I know how U feel..... but U cannot stop that loser from doing all that. Yes, he is not playing a fair game, he is playing cheat, but u cannot help it, what can your do now? he has blocked raphel of all access to you.

All you can is to explain to him when he has grown up bigger and hope he will understand and vindicate the truth.

At this moment, you only can pray and get god's clear directions. The truth will be out one day. The Truth will set u free, god holds the key to the future, so pray, dont loose faith and think positive.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 11:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Mothers are the place where love
Emerges from the earth,
And happiness rings out like bells
In honor of our birth.
Mothers are the sun that lights
For life our inner sky,
So we may know that we are loved
And need not question why.
Mothers are the moon that shines
Upon our black despair,
So even when we weep, we know
That someone's always there.
Whatever fear, or stress, or pain
Might them to anger move,
We know that underneath the storm
We have, always, their love.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger Wei shoots...

sometimes it makes me wonder, if theres a GOD, then where is HE?! u can say all these trials to make us a stronger person, make us realise our mistakes etc... but isnt tt God shld hv EYES to see how painful u are, n yr family! having to go thru all these shit... and how would we knw wats goin on in e kid's head right now, will he even remb wat happen when he grow up or he will jus grow to hate u, its scary n painful to even tink about tt. Emotional blackmail... n torture.... ppl always use wat hurts u most to HIT u... fark the hell!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 4:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

next time u shld take cam corder
footage can't lie

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 4:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

but lookin at e way he behaves.. if raph cont to live w him, n if he hv another son in future... hes NOT GOing to love raph

cos NO MATTER wat.... raph reminds him of u, n he wont lk it, hes jus keepin there now to torture u

Wednesday, April 26, 2006 6:34:00 PM  

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April 23, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Sunday. I went out for my dinner in the late afternoon around 5pm. Got onto the LRT. There is a couple there with a small little girl. Much much younger than you. She was standing in the LRT with the pram inbetween her and her mommy. And her daddy is just standing behind her, holding her all the way incase she falls.... But all the kid was doing whenever she loses her balance, although the daddy was holding her. She was all the way looking at the mommy and kept on holding out her hands to her mommy... and kept on repeating mommy mommy mommy. Even when her little fingers got a bit caught in the pram... she will keep on yelling for her mommy.... even when the daddy loosen the grip of the pram to take out her fingers. She walked all the way around the pram just to get to her mommy.

I looked away, with tears streaming down my face. The innocence of a child callling to the mother in stead of reaching out of the father... shows the trust of the child in the mother's love.
I tried to blink away my tears... but yet.. it can't stop. I just have to pretend to look out of the window.... and willed myself not to think of you. Just to stop the tears......

Daddy knows that you are the only one who hold the keys to me heart.. that is why he is doing his best to turn you against me. Especially since he is always so free to take MC and stay at home just to brain washed you. I guess he must be so weak... and so sick. And he has perfect excuses to stay at home for 2 weeks period or a month long period just to do what he wants. I find that the timing are too much of a coincidence for things to be happening.

I guess... we have to really reflect on his actions and wonder what is his motive?

Miss you much, my prince,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 23, 2006 21 comments

21 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

hopefully, one day he will see thru his dad's facade and start to wonder abt u
be patient in affliction
be joyful in hope
faithful in prayer

Monday, April 24, 2006 4:34:00 PM  
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Apr 21, 2006


Dear Raphael,

Friday, which is today, i had sports day. It was a superb long day under the sun. At night, we had to go for sports day dinner. The door gift was a calculator. Took this photo just to let you see... how ugly my face can be. Does this photo make you smile? Cos i hope it does.

All i want is for you to laugh and smile... at me. And mommy's exams are coming so i have no idea when can i see you again. Sigh... I miss you. I am sorry that i did not come to see you for weeks already... do you know how much i miss you? That the thought of you makes me tear.... only by looking at pictures in my heart... then i feel you close...

Thoughts: What's the point in making me gloat only for a moment?

Love, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Friday, April 21, 2006 1 comments

1 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Read your entire blog and can only say that I empathise with your situation. It's a tough battle but I hope whatever the outcome is, it would be good for the kid. It does seem that the child has been brainwashed. I don't know much about law, but maybe you can get the police officers who witnessed the brainwashing to give evidence of their opinions?

Good luck, and I look forward to seeing good news here soon.

Monday, April 24, 2006 2:15:00 AM  

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Last Night

Dear Raphael,

While i was watching television, a few advertisements came up regarding mother's day gifts, concerts for mothers.... Tears just rolled down and i just started sobbing. Cos the pain is so raw...

Will i be spending it alone? Or will you be celebrating with that daddy's gf ?

Nothing beats having the real biological mother's love. Nothing....

I miss you lots.. and i love you.

Mommy.

LionHeart roars at Wednesday, April 19, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 18, 2006


Dear Raphael,

Thinking of the times that we had at Sentosa. Me bringing you to the seaside for a taste of the seawater.... brings me joy. Only pictures to remind me of you and the times that we had.

Do you think of me the way i think of you ??? I miss you....

Yours Lovingly,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Tuesday, April 18, 2006 2 comments

2 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

I sincerely hope that things will work out for you .
After reading some of your entries , what is happening to
you is something that is very similar to what happened to my close friend .
Some men can be real bastards some times .
You have every right as a parent to your child regardless of the circumstances .
Fight for the custody of your son , no matter what . dont ever give up .
You have a moral supporter in me .
Good Luck and best wishes in your fight.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 1:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Thank you for your support. I will perservere...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006 3:24:00 PM  

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Apr 17, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Gong gong, grandma and mommy is going to court today as your daddy is suing us for harrassment when we only see you once a week for that half an hour....

Where is the logic? Is it the only way to push us out of your life totally? By saying that we are harrassing you....

Baby.. i need your strength and your smile... to make it all worthwhile...

Loving you,
Mommy.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 17, 2006 2 comments

2 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Court again today?
Tat scumbag is reli wasting tax payers' money... n certainly wasting urs too...
He is reli damn freaking idiot leh...marriage cant work out then jus be frens... but if reli dun wan be frens let beat it lar... dun hv to do things till like that mah...
I think he is a BORN n SORE Loser and brought up in a losing manner...

Monday, April 17, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

He has not been washing his mouth har...
Whenever he speaks... he utters nothing but loads of BS....

Monday, April 17, 2006 9:59:00 AM  

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Apr 16, 2006

Dear Raphael,

I went on the LRT today. Standing at the front of the LRT, looking out of the window... imagining you are sitting on the ledge with my holding on to you.. and watching the tracks passes us by... and lightning flashes across the sky.... Thoughts of you filled my mind. Until i was so lost in thoughts that i nearly missed my stop.

I miss you lots Raphael...

Loving you always,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 17, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 14, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Good Friday is the anniversary of Jesus' death on the cross. According to the Gospels, Jesus was put to death on the Friday before Easter Day. Since the early church Good Friday has been observed by fasting and penance. So therefore it is a public holiday today.

Today you do not have school and neither do I. But it also means that daddy also will not be working. Sigh... i just hate seeing daddy's face. Can i say that i detest the person so much that i do not even want to see him at all? And of cos with that girl... at home.

I have assignment due today and will be rushing to finished it. Sigh. I hate studying and working at the same time. I do hope that you will be able to cherish your studying days... and not be like mommy. It is suffering....

I will be spending time with Grandma today. And will not come to see you... cos we are going to court on Monday. Your daddy is bringing us to court, all three of us, just because we are not going to retract back out PPO against daddy.

We love you...
I love you, Raphael... it pains me not to see you.....

LionHeart roars at Friday, April 14, 2006 0 comments

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Thoughts on Chief Justice Retirement

Dear Raphael,

I would love to share this article with you on Chief Justice Yong's retirement.

Taken from the Newpaper on 09/04/2006:

But despite CJ Yong's often stern appearance in court, some of his best judgments were actually based on compassion, and not the unfeeling letter of the law.

In a heart-rending custody battle in 1997, CJ Yong had to decide between two equally-loving parents of a boy.

In the end, he ruled in favour of the mother because he described maternal love as 'one of the most unexplainable wonders of human nature'.

He said then: 'We have all heard of the story of the mother who fought a tiger with her bare hands to save her child from the ferocious beast. Such is the love and sacrifice of the maternal instinct.

'This court would be doing a disservice to justice and humanity if it turned a blind eye to the most fundamental bond of mankind - between a mother and her child - by taking the child away from the mother.'

CJ Yong also showed similar compassion to another mother a year later even though she was caught shoplifting for the seventh time.

He saved his sharpest rebuke not for the woman but for her two 'respectable' grown-up sons, for failing to take care of their mother who stole again because of depression.

Normally, a repeated shoplifter could face a minimum seven-year detention. But CJ Yong broke convention and spared her the long jail term, allowing her to serve out her remaining 15-month term.

He also asked the deputy public prosecutor to ensure that the woman would receive treatment for her depression in prison.

When CJ Yong steps down tomorrow, he leaves behind more than 1,000 written decisions in his name, making him possibly the most prolific judge in the world.

So even as he enjoys his retirement, his name will continue to make its mark in court as lawyers cite his landmark decisions for years to come.

Thoughts:
He is a man of compassion. With his compassion, he knows that taking a child away from the mother is the most cruel thing to do to a mother. And your father is doing the most cruel thing to us... by brainwashing you and to reject me...

I love you Raphael. And I want you to know that.... nothing can replace a mother's love on earth.
Not even the gf who is soon going to be your step mother once the divorce is finalise, which your father has taught you to call her mother....

It pains me....

Forever yours, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 10, 2006 1 comments

1 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

pls remember... the sun will alwaz rise after it sets.... n the sky will alwaz clear after the rain and storm... i reli wish u well n may each day b a brand new exciting n enjoyable one for you...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006 11:17:00 AM  

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Apr 08, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Today, Mommy, gong gong and grandma make popia ourselves. We thought of you. Saying that it would be fun with you around trying it out. As you like to do things with your hands. But the topic of you, makes us feel sad.... in the end. We just carried on making, eating...lost in our own world of thoughts of you...


In the evening, Mommy went to a thai friend's house for dinner. Her cooking was fantastic. She has a 5 year old daughter. And they spoke fluent thai... obviously.


And i was thinking wouldn't it be good if you were with me and i can hear and watch you communicate in thai too. I ended up talking to her about you. And it brought tears to me eyes again. Playing with her daughter also brings back memories of us together.

I miss you much Raphael....

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 09, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 07, 2006

Dear Raphael,

I miss you so much. I would so much love to see you again today.

Today is the deadline of my TMA and I have lecture tonight. I have always stress on the importance of studies to you so therefore, setting an example is essential. I am so torn between going for my lecture and finishing up my work and going to see you.

But it remains a mystery if i get to see you at all or not. Maybe it will be like last week, you totally ignored us standing outside the gate for 1 1/2 hour. That family treated us like that with hostility, disrespect, unkindly..... it doesn't mean that you should do that to us... we love you so much. And it pained us so much .... to see that you have been influenced in a bad way.

Or would it just be like the inner you... when no one is around.. you are once my baby again... with pure innocence... loving words and gestures....

Do i need to take my chance? Or to wait till you are older...

Sometimes, it would take more than a lifetime to undo the brain washing that they did to you.. my baby. Your blood.. my blood... runs the same... I love you.

Always loving you,
Mommy

P.S: May you enjoy your weekend, my love....

LionHeart roars at Friday, April 07, 2006 2 comments

2 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

Hi,

I'm really very sorry and sad for you.

I believe that when your son is old enough to read and access blog, he will surely understand and comes back to you.

Sunday, April 09, 2006 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger LionHeart shoots...

I hope he does too..

Sunday, April 09, 2006 3:28:00 PM  

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Apr 06, 2005

Dear Raphael,

Grandma received another letter to go court. It seems that mommy, grandma and gong gong need to go court for family violence towards your ah ma and daddy. Daddy is doing all these just to make sure that i can't see you. And we can't get close to you.... he is doing all he can to eliminate all of us from your life.. baby. I hope you can see that. We have been going over to your place at the allocated time slot that your daddy gave us. And he is so heartless.. and despicable to even do this to us.

I was chatting today with her. And i was so appalled by the topics that we discussed. Sigh.. Baby, i hope you will see what kind of family you are in when you grow up. And see all the lies that your daddy can conjured up just to get things done his way... even if it is illegal or immoral.

I love you baby. Everything i do, i do it for you now.....

I love you,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Thursday, April 06, 2006 1 comments

1 hunters:

Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

he behav lik a woman trap in a man body. he bring a bad name to man. Disgrace to men.. Feel sorry for you.

Thursday, April 06, 2006 4:46:00 PM  

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Apr 05, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Teacher Parents Meeting in school today. Makes me feel sad. Although i am in this line of work, and wished that the parents do not come at all so that i can go home early. But I know, that if i have the chance, i would so much like to be in the parents' shoes and wait for my turn to see your teacher and get feedback about you in class. Cos I want to work hand in hand with the teacher to help you reach your potential.

Sometimes, i wonder if your teacher would be like me, trying to get the parents to see their character and be happy. Instead of the grades... My class grades are all red.. but guess what, their characters.... their warmth .... their thoughtfulness and innocence.... are worth more than grades itself......

Thinking about it: What kind of class would you be in? What are you like in class? How i would like to be teaching in a place that you will be studying.... a dream that is so far away.. is it attainable? I guess not. By the way your daddy is trying to get me out of your life by hook or by crook. By not allowing you to see or talk to me.. i doubt he will want to put you in the same school as i am although it makes things easier as you do not need to line up, ballot for places and yet can be in one of the good schools in the north east zone. He definitely does not want that... to let us have so much time together..... incase you come back to me when you are older.

Sad Thoughts... all through the night. Wishing you are here with me... holding my hands.... and demanding attention from me.... so cheekily.

I love you Raphael.
Good Night.

Love, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Thursday, April 06, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 04, 2006

Dear Raphael,

I was working halfway when I received the most outrageous news. It got me and my colleagues in stitches as in really shaking our heads in disbelief and laughter. It seems that 'gong gong' has received a court order to appear in court due to violence against daddy and ah ma. And more surprising enough, i also got to attend court for violence. It is so unbelievable. Does it mean that he is such a loser to be afraid of a woman who is smaller size than him and more fragile? And the joke of the day is that both of them are bigger in size than me. And from the previous posting, you should know that ah ma is the sort to do violence to mommy than mommy to her... as i can't. It is disrespectful... and i have made a promise that I intend to keep for life. I do not blame your ah ma as she loves daddy so much that she is blind to his fault and will help him even though he is at fault.

Previously daddy threatened us that if we don't retract our PPO against him, he will take one against us. And he did. I wonder if he knows that PPO cannot be retracted.... once it is filed against the other party. I find that it is so childish, immature and unreasonable of him to threaten first and then go ahead and file... like finding for a reason to ask us to go for court. That is quite immature of him to think that way. Is he really frighten? I really wonder. Or is he just abusing the PPO for his own interest? Sometimes, these are worth a though. Whereas we are really afraid that in order to see you, we end up getting hurt... just by showing you our love.

As for the PPO taken against daddy, he had hit me before when you were only 3 weeks old. And in our matrimonial home in Seng Kang. And recently he has threatened to hit me again. And of course, i have to go all the way to 32 Fulton Ave to see you, to look for you... i have to protect myself incase he hit me.

Everytime, i am so afraid whenever i go over to see you that i always need 'gong gong' around.... as i know that daddy will resort to violence when there is no one around and no witnesses. As the last few times, he hit me, we were always alone in the room.

Sigh... baby. I know that you have been brain washed all the time. And being fed with lies about mommy. But please see for yourself.... like now. Mommy is so much smaller in size than daddy and ah ma. How can they be afraid? Sometimes, you may tend to believe what ppl say.... but actually size do really matter. And when you are old enough to reason... you may see things more clearly....

I love you...
You know that i do
What can I do
To find the truth
You know I love you
Forever and ever
Will be together
And I'll do it
Just for you....
Just for you.....

Mommy will stay strong just for you....I love you Raphael

LionHeart roars at Tuesday, April 04, 2006 0 comments

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Apr 03, 2006

Dear Raphael,

Today, I have a long day. You were in my thoughts all the time. I just wish you can just call me up and tell me that everything will be ok. And i will have the strength to stand up tall and face the world again with confidence as you are always my pillar of strength.

I miss you Raphael.

Mommy loves you.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 31, 2006






Friday. Full of excitement... cos i am going to see baby. Raining... floor wet. Brought the photos and chicken leg soup as requested. We kept to our promise..... what happen to raphael's inner him? Idiot having PMS. This time round, baby dragged that idiot to come out also, don't know for wat. And he went back inside and raphael followed... kept on singing to himself to drown out our calls for him. As usual, the dog is inside.

After that, we pretended that there are cats outside... wanting to eat the chicken leg... he came out to see... and we showed him pics.. and he said don't want to see.... and ran back inside. Why the sudden change of attitude today? He was not given permission to come out?

So in the end, i took my dinner outside which is actually meant for baby.... so sad... And the ground was wet....damp. Describing my feelings for the night. OH Raphael.... i love you so much.

Was so affected that i called her.... chatted for half an hour sitting there. The idiot and baby did checked if we were still there for a few times... the phone bill will kill. Anyway.... felt much better after talking to her... it seems that she is always the only one who will understand what i am going through. I miss her....


1 hunters:
Wei shoots...
wtf! go see ur own son lk as if "prison" lk tt ta bao n eat from outside n over the gate, can see, cannot see like tt... CB la... so pissed man... utterly nonsensical...

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 27, 2006

Birdsong Lullaby by Diane Stanley

"Mommy?" asked the little boy.
"Yes," his mother said.
"I was thinking..."
"What were you thinking, darling?"
"If I were a bird..."

"...if I were a bird,I could fly anywhere I wanted
and see such wonderful things!"

"Really? What would you like to see?"

"If I were a bird, I could sit on people's windowsills
and peek inside their houses."

"That's right. You could."

"I could play in our birdbath."

"And I'd bring you sunflower seeds to eat."

"No, cake!"

"All right then, cake."

"If I were a bird,I could look down into people's backyards..."

"I could catch all the lost balloons and give them back to children."

"What a pretty idea!"

"If I were a bird, I could see what kind of pajamas kings wear."

"When it got cold,I could go to Braziland live in a tree full of monkeys."

"And you'd tuck your head
under your wing to sleep."

"In the summer,I'd fly to the seashore
and play with the waves."

"Or look downover mountain lakes
and see my reflection."

"If I were a bird,I could soar through the air,then land gently
and not hurt myself at allI could float on the windand touch the clouds!"

"And Mommy - I could fly right into a rainbowand come out full of colours..."

"Maybe you'll dream about it tonight."

"You think so, Mommy?"

"And it will seem so real..."

"It will be real!"

"Yes, darling."

"Mommy..."

"Shhh, go to sleep."

"Mommy?"

"What, darling?"

"Leave my window open tonight..."

**********************
If I were a bird ...
I will go wherever you go,
My little prince,
To watch over you,
And guide your every little step,
Letting you know
That you are loved.....
Every single second of the day.

If you were a bird....
Would you fly back to me....
My little prince.
I will wait till you have
wings to fly
No matter how long it takes
My arms will be open wide
To welcome you back...
For you are the reason
Of my Existance....
I will wait years for you.....


1 hunters:
Wei shoots...
A sad mother's cry out
27/3/06 16:39

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 24, 2006

After work, took a cab down to see Raphael. This time round, he let my son come out. He gave permission for Raphael to come out. By telling him that I am here and tell him to wear his slippers and talk to me. The dog is inside as usual. We chatted for a while. Showed him all the pictures. He kept on asking me where were the pictures taken. We showed him the porridge that we brought. He looked longingly and smell the porridge. Then he looked back at the house. The idiot chose to sit at the table where he is in view of what is going on outside. Raphael said don't want and ran back. Played with my handphone. He called my mommy handphone and they chatted on the phone even though she is standing in full view from him. It was heart warming at that point of time.

He has been brain washed again. Now, he has been taught not to answer any questions that we asked. So as not to prevent him from saying the wrong things. Maybe the idiot is trying to prolong the divorce just to have sufficient time to fully trained Raphael into knowing what to say or what not to say. When probed further into some questions... he ran back. I guess he needs to ask for the answers.

He was standing in view of us when i saw someone roughly pulled him by the arm into the area that is blocked by the pillar. Is that how my son should be treated? Maybe he is so used to it that he didnt know that it is rough.

After that, he don't want to come out. Kept on closing the sliding door. Heard the dog talking and then the idiot talking. Must be brain washing. Son did not come out... but we kept on waiting, calling for him to come out. Son was really rude.. to tell us to keep quiet cos he is busy. Busy with wat? The dog is purposely taking up our time with him.Of the whole time, that idiot stood up once and look out of the window to check on raphael and another time the dog also look out. And the old woman is sitting at the chair by the sliding door like a watchdog.

I kept on calling for Raphael.... but he did not reply. I guess that idiot never give him permission to come out again. I called out to raphael that we are going back. Can he come out to say good bye? Can or cannot? Did daddy give you permission to come out? Ask daddy for permission. If he cannot come out, just tell us and we will go off.You have to bear in mind that all the while, we can't hear the exact conversation inside the house. But can hear that somebody is talking and who.

Now, that idiot raised his voice to be heard.... RAPHAEL, CAN YOU GO OUT AND TALK TO HER COS SHE THINKS THAT I DONT LET YOU OUT? AND SHE IS TALKING NONSENSE AGAIN. With that, Raphael came out. Permission granted.

Let's go back to the sentence that he said. SHE IS TALKING NONSENSE AGAIN. With this sentence, he is guilty of 2 points stated in the Family Court.

1. It is important that netiher parent verbally or physically attacks the other parent in front of their children.

2. children being made to believe one parent is good and the other is bad

That few minutes that Raphael came out was the most precious time once again. We talked in whispers. We hook our little fingers as a promise... till next week.Tears fell like rain once i turn away from the gate. I see my long lost innocence of Raphael in that few precious minutes. Oh so precious.

A kiss on his little hands.... a mother's mark of love for the time being till next week. Love you Raphael always.

**********************************
It seems that his lawyer spoke with Jerome Tay Beng Thai that she agrees that the mother has the right to see the son. So no wonder the son is allowed to come out and talk to us. But he is still not allowed to go out with us. So the more it shows that the idiot has been brain washing and not allowing son to talk to us and go out with us.

I hope all of my blog posting will serves as evidence for son to see what kind of father he has and what kind of pain i went through when he grows up.

**********************************

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Thoughts

Had nightmare again. During one of the days that i had Raphael, he clinged on to me all the way and don't want to let go when he came and bring him back. Crying that he doesn't want to go back. Re-enact the scene of many times last time.. till sometimes Jerome get so pissed that he drove off in anger. And Raphael got to be dragged out of the car by mother in law and lock inside the gate.... watching me leaving him everytime.

Was it a painful last time, everyweek go through the heart wrenching moments of him don't want to go home to that family.

But now, it comes back to haunt me that why didn't i just take care and control of him... so that he will not subject to this kind of brain washing now.

Remembering what that idiot said about his life...He was being brought up in a family where dad is always not around, and granny brain washed and said so many negative things against his mother till he hates his mother thoroughly, and he having to watch other of his cousins having the things that he can't have, swimming, piano lessons etc. And he said he doesn't want his son to grow up in that environment.

Excuse me! An idiot will always be an idiot. He is doing exactly what he say not to. Not having the biological mother around the time, brain washed the son against the biological mother and not able to provide for the kid piano lessons, swimming, speech theraphy. Loser!And one more thing, he wants to take up PPO against us???? HUH??? on what grounds???? His lawyer said that her client will take up PPO against us if we don't retract our PPO.... HUH??? Was that a threat i heard???? Or a bargain??? Either way this shows that he is guilty.... SUCH A LOSER!

8 hunters:
Alto shoots...
he can do all he wants.. cus he is a stupid desparate man....
23/3/06 13:17

alto shoots...
it only show what an unreasonable, useless and manupulating bastard he is
23/3/06 13:20

alto shoots...
you are a responsible person and he is all over the place
23/3/06 13:23

Raine shoots...
i pity Raphael ... sure you can do something ... for him?
23/3/06 13:31

alto shoots...
let him reap the harvest he deserved same father will end up the same son... he will suffer with raf in the end...
23/3/06 13:34

Anonymous shoots...
u hv PPO against him so he also wans...childish
24/3/06 00:16

Wei shoots...
really cant stand him n his lawyer also.. duno how to advise him to use his brains or something. This is COURT not a place for childish meaningless accusations and fights... wasting money n time. Never seen anyone so childish n selfish, so old already still duno how to think!! wat a waste of life.
24/3/06 00:59

Anonymous shoots...
Fight for full custody. Don't let him suffer anymore. You will win. Woman always win. Even if they fight, no contact with kid for 4 years... till kid don't even recognise.... the mother. But the mother still wins. There was a court case like this last time.
24/3/06 16:04

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Draft


A template especially for all my memories of Raphael. An online journal just for him.

The template means:
Window to the world..... so much to do with my son, so much to tell my son... but both of us will only have the window to look out to each time we think of each other.....Tears welled up in my eyes when she told me the meaning of the window.

Of course she is the one who design this, and of course my blog design too...

She is such a darling.But of course, she charges.... ha ha.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Thoughts

Kept on having dreams about him again. Him calling out to me again. I really miss him so much. Would love to see him, talk to him again. But yet the thought of seeing that silly family again... makes me dread. Maybe it is what they want. Especially with the silly mother trying to be funny, dancing in the house.. with the dog laughing. At her silliness... or her way of portraying that there is nothing we can do to get baby. An adult behaving that way is disgraceful.

Anyway, now i fully understand what a primary one kid says to me the last time round. I asked him, did daddy come and see you? He answered no. Cos daddy said that he hates seeing mommy that is why he chose not to come when mommy is around... and mommy is always around... so he does not get to see his dad. Sigh. Sad case... but i guess it applies to me also. I just hate seeing despicable people with their silly actions. But i guess... no choice. Some people in the world are like this. We just have to accept stupid people like this in the society.

Mother's love is unconditional. And nothing can replace that... not even the dog.

Oh yes. That idiot still has the cheek to tell his lawyer to tell my lawyer off about what we have in verbal agreement. But HELLO IDIOT, you broke your agreement. You said who file for divorce is the one who pay for the papers.... but you ask me to pay for your lawyer fees and to pay maintenance to YOU and the renovation loan. So all deal is off, idiot.

He is never a man of his words... so don't expect the weaker sex to go according to where he points. It is only his dog that will go to where he points... that is what he wants in a girl. A girl with no brains, wont argue with him on his educational level, will give in to him all the time in everything even though he is unreasonable especially in the physical sense, stay at home do household chores and wait patiently for him to come home to bed, don't ask for maintenance.

Well... these are the things i don't do. Nowadays in the 20th century... you will no longer find this kind of wife.. unless she is uneducated with low IQ level and who has the olden kind of days mentality....Nowadays, women wants a say in the renovation, decision making, respect, house, career, salary, types of car etc. Cos she can do without a man anytime. Women like these do not need a man to upkeep her. She can handle better on her own. Unless she wants kid. But nowadays with money, insemmination is simple. Less than 5K. Nobody to fight over the upbringing of the kid. Divorce no need to fight ....for the kid. Save less trouble.

Men are nothing but idiots walking around with their baby making machine.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 21, 2006


Photo sent through mail from cousin. Knowing that i am going through a tough period. She sent this to cheer me up. Raphael with his most sincere smile of his. I hope he knows what kind of pain i am going through. I love him so much.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 20, 2006

GUESS WAT? The loser is not present.... as he needs not come. BUT the lawyer is also absent when the judge has already said that loser need not come as lawyer will represent him. Guilty? Cannot deny? Cos that's the truth. If he lies.. does it mean that he doesn't respect the court? Let's see how low can his morals be from that kind of family. And maybe the father will come back since he is in shithole now. And give him money. Let's see how he can weedle out from his father... i guess with lies... he is really good at that. He can really lie with a straight face to his mother as he often did when we were dating. Shocking??? So now, a word of advice, never choose a guy who can lie to the mother without battling an eyelid and don't feel remorseful.

Sometimes, i am such a sucker for insurance. As long as someone comes over to chat about insurance.. and i find that it is good. I will just buy. I don't even compare with other insurance companies over the same kind of policy.... stupid right? Same as what i did when Raphael was 1 month old, when i went to OCBC to open a joint account with Raphael. I bought 2 policies from Great Eastern at one go within half an hour just becos one of the counter guy approached me to talk about insurance. Stupid. But after 5 years, i am still happy with what i got for baby and me. I guess after my divorce, i will do up a WILL. Cos i don't want everything to go automatically to my next of kin which is RAPHAEL... as that idiot will definitely take over from Raphael when he is not of age. He is despicable to that sense.... in my point of view. I guess 10 years of relationship with him... can show his true colours.. and i have been so blind. Guess maturity comes with age.

Santa shoots...
Hw can the lawyer not appear in court... then wat is the conclusion? *concern* Lawyer chicken out or... merely trying to be funny... to buy time?
21/3/06 22:31
Santa shoots...
Loser.... that guy is reli such a loser...
21/3/06 22:33

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 16, 2006

Took a nap in the afternoon. Had nightmares again. I snatched Raphael from his house and ran to my cousin house to stay. Had a cat fight with the dog... you may ask.... who? well.. the dog refers to his slut. Bitch is too nice for her... so call her the dog. Raphael in the end testify against that idiot. And said that daddy brain washed him and tell him lots of awful things about mommy which is not true.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 13, 2006

Monday. Went to the lawyer's firm to sign some papers with my parents.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 12, 2006


Did a slight detour to baby's house just to catch a glimpse of him but nobody was at home. Sigh. But at least i tried to everytime i have transport.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 10, 2006

Why does he need to go behind the wall to talk to the police?
Something to hide?

No respect for elderly


Friday. Work as usual. The dog came 1 minute before me in the cab. And of course the idiot was standing at the gate waiting for her. Opening the door for her. Submissive to her. This time round, when the police ask the question. That idiot just answered for Raphael without giving him the chance to talk. Chatted with Raphael for a while. He is like a robot kept on repeating on what is drilled into him. So sad.... my heart aches for the turmoil that my son is going through.

Wei shoots...
wat was being drilled into his head? sighz... why use a kid to do his evil to hurt some1... sometimes i cant believe how revengeful one person can be. after all this is some1 that u LOVED... wat an evil way of torturing someone... wheres his karma! i'm waiting
14/3/06 17:04

Alton shoots...
Imagine a man tat used to adore u so much durin our poly days, now do all these things. I pity ur son. the lawyer fee must cost a bomb. Wastin time and $
17/3/06 00:12

Alton shoots...
ok take care my frnd.Dun waste energy over wat he done. Pray to God.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Lawyer's letter

We are instructed that our client has not at any time prevented your client from seeing Raphael. (by showing displeasure, and by distracting him with things making him not come out) We are further instructed that your client should know that the last time Raphael was with her overnight, he was left extremely hungry when our client picked him up after 11.00am in the morning. (Due to his lateness and his promise to bring raphael out for lunch) Raphael informed our client that your client did not provide him with any breakfast (which obviously i did and he knows it but as time went by, he conveniently change his memory) and that he did not want to go with her anymore. (Which was not true, as Raphael did not want to come out cos he was always promised things which make him choose to stay at home and wait for him. But in the later part, he has taught him well and reminded him of that incident so that he would know how to repeat only that incident and not have the feeling of wanting to go out with us anymore) Despite that, our client has not at any time dissuaded Raphael from going to your client. (Which he did, not dissuaded... but forbid with actions and pressure my son)As regards to our client's mother splashing water on your client, we are instructed that when your client was at the front gate and Raphael did not respond to her, she went to the back of the house. (Which the police also did, went behind whenever she did not respond) On seeing our client's mother, she started hurling insults (Just stating the facts that why she asked her friend to go out to the front gate to say that nobody is at home which she is at home, which proves that she is lying all the while) at our client's mother. It should therefore not surprise your client (of course, surprised as i didn't know that she will stoop so low, although this is not the first time the mother uses water as an excuse to dirty me) that our client's mother reacted the way she did.

We are instructed to inform that our client's mother's rights against your client are also reserved. (So am i to say that i could do the same to her... with my flask of soup when she say something that doesn't sound right to me)

We are instructed that your client is at liberty to make all the claims of how loving a mother she has been to Raphael, but Rpahael being a precocious child, knows exactly who the better parent is (what is the meaning of better, brain washing, insinuating, immoral, despicable, uneducated, loser) and what 'spending quality time' with your client (he took one month mc to brain wash the kid after i told him that i want custody of raphael) means. Our client and his mother have not and need not influence Raphael on his thoughts about his mother. (he needs to as he is insecure that he may lose custody of the kid as i have told him that i am going to fight for it as raphael asked me to) All it took was for your client to neglect him on one occasion (only on one occasion! And he can remember? A child does not bear grudges at this kind of age unless being drilled into remembering the details which he did) and Raphael himself decided that he is better off with our client than yours. (Due to brain washing)

We are instructed that your client has been coming to our client's home on Fridays to pick Raphale and our client has not prevented Raphael (he did by not opening the gate and ignoring us. Actions speak louder than words) from going with your client if he wanted to. However, each time your client was at our client's home, she behaved like a deranged woman (try taking a kid away from a mother and you will get the same result from a normal woman) hurling insults (advise and facts of the injustice done to me) at our client and his mother and taking photographs of them (to show what kind of treatment we get when we visit raphael). She has also been calling for the police who spoke with Raphael (Police has to be there incase he turn violent towards us as he had threatened to do so). All these actions are done in the presence of the child. (By yelling at elders and using foul languages in front of Raphael is he setting a better example) Thus, instead of improving her relationship with Raphael, your client has worsened it. (Worsen due to their brain washing and negative remarks whenever we visit him) She should therefore not blame our client or his mother that the child does not want to go with her. (Raphael's actions each time when being asked a question he would look at the father before he can decide what answer does the father wants him to say.... fear of reprisal.... poor son. Every policemen and friends who were there with me, said that it is very obvious that he did the brain washing of the kid. So now left with only the judge to judge with pictures edvidence and police report. Now the son never mentioned the other mommy already due to him telling him not to?? Last time, he cannot stop mentioning... maybe i should request that the judge to ask raphael a few questions, i don't believe that the judge cannot see through a kid actions and words)




5 hunters:

Anonymous shoots...
wtf it's so obvious
8/3/06 09:07

Wei shoots...
wow thats like lying without concious... sighz... i hope the judge is wise enuff to see whos lying... nut case! n bullshit lawyer
8/3/06 21:48

Anonymous shoots...
stay strong ... the truth will come to light
8/3/06 22:05

kk shoots...
hes doing more harm to the kid
10/3/06 14:12

Anonymous shoots...
Fight for full custody. Woman Chartered.
10/3/06 18:23

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 6, 2006

Met up with parents at around 1pm. Headed to Family Court. He reached at around 1.20pm with his lawyer. Why does he need a lawyer? It is just a PPO. He needs the lawyer to protect him? Anyway, a long sleeve shirt with pants doesn't make him seems more educated. Just a wolf in sheep's clothing. Court was adjourned to 20th March 2pm as the lawyer says that client does not know why he was sermon to court and he denied all allegations. Kaoz.... don't know why and still can deny without knowing why. So 'clever'. Anyway, got to wait for another session of court. In the mean time the DPO was extended. So i can still get to see Raphael without any fear of the mad dog. Chatted with a few women. And it seems that people can see the bad psychological effect he is doing on my son no matter what went wrong with the marriage. The child is innocent and my son is being used as a pawn in his childish games. Of course, he knows no better. But it is just sickening to be facing an idiot who thinks he knows all. Makes people feel frustrated that there are this kind of human walking around with his head held high.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 05, 2006

I have to make myself really tired so that i won't have dreams of rapael.....

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Lord, I need a Rest

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."- 1 Peter 5:7

It is a happy way of soothing sorrow when we can feel-"HE careth for me."

Christian! do not dishonour religion by always wearing a brow of care; come, cast your burden upon your Lord. You are staggering beneath a weight which your Father would not feel. What seems to you a crushing burden, would be to him but as the small dust of the balance. Nothing is so sweet as to "Lie passive in God's hands, And know no will but his."

O child of suffering, be thou patient; God has not passed thee over in his providence. He who is the feeder of sparrows, will also furnish you with what you need. Sit not down in despair; hope on, hope ever. Take up the arms of faith against a sea of trouble, and your opposition shall yet end your distresses. There is One who careth for you. His eye is fixed on you, his heart beats with pity for your woe, and his hand omnipotent shall yet bring you the needed help. The darkest cloud shall scatter itself in showers of mercy. The blackest gloom shall give place to the morning. He, if thou art one of his family, will bind up thy wounds, and heal thy broken heart. Doubt not his grace because of thy tribulation, but believe that he loveth thee as much in seasons of trouble as in times of happiness. What a serene and quiet life might you lead if you would leave providing to the God of providence! With a little oil in the cruse, and a handful of meal in the barrel, Elijah outlived the famine, and you will do the same. If God cares for you, why need you care too? Can you trust him for your soul, and not for your body? He has never refused to bear your burdens, he has never fainted under their weight. Come, then, soul! have done with fretful care, and leave all thy concerns in the hand of a gracious God.

LionHeart roars at Monday, April 03, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 03, 2006

Had nightmares again. Woke up a few times. Every nightmare is of Raphael calling out to me. And asking me to help him. Asking me not to leave. Is it a sign? Or is it one of my hope? Mother's instinct of her child in trouble? Tears was in my eyes when i woke up. I can't remember the exact detail but i know that it was Raphael calling out to me ... that woke me up

Please god, show me a sign. Cos i know not what to do anymore.

Today, i chatted with my mother over the phone about my baby. Then my tears roll down non stop but yet i checked my voice.. to make sure it doesn't betray my emotions in case it affected her. Talking about children with my colleagues also brought tears to my eyes till my colleagues changed topic and not talk about children in front of me.. instead they talked about shopping, mj and upcoming holidays plans to divert my mind.. on other things. I really appreciate my colleagues effort in diverting my energy and mind elsewhere instead of thinking about sad stuffs regarding to my son. They know that i am very emotional when comes to my son and they know what is going on. And they cannot imagine the pain. Some can even tear with me when imagining themselves in my shoes and they got affected instead.The pain of being deny... is too great to be put in words. I guess God must be so devasted when the people of the world deny him and turn to other belief.... but yet he persevere and show them that he will still always be there for them. I guess i also have no choice but to walk in the Lord's way and follow him through out the whole journey as he is my light in my darkest hour.

I love you Raphael forever for a mother's love is always unconditional.

O, there are some who want to get away from all their past; who, if they could would fain begin all over again... but you must learn, you must let God teach you, that the only way to get rid of your past is to get a future out of it. God will waste nothing. - -Phillips Brooks

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Mar 02, 2006

I dreamt of Raphael.

And i woke up feeling so so sad that whenever i think about the dream, tears will well up inside me threatening to fall. Tears come easily whenever i think of my son.

I drove him home to his PAP. And i left him there. Went to work... but i have a sense of uneasiness, so i took leave and went back to the PAP ... Raphael was not there.. then i went over to that idiot's house, and he was not there... i panic. So i look around for him around the PAP. Found him hiding under the table at a coffee shop sobbing his heart out ... i hold out to him and he came running into my arms... and he kept on telling me not to leave him and to take him away with me. I was sobbing at that time, promising him that i will never leave him. And will not force him to return to that house again.

Tears still welled up inside me when i typed down my dream.... once not long ago, my son pleaded with me with these words.. and it haunted me till now that i let him down.

Causing him to behave this way against me as i did not shield him and protect him the way that i should by letting him go back to that house, that family.

I am so sorry Raphael ... please forgive me.


2 hunters:

Anonymous shoots...
Was concerned over your dream so I did some research of my own. This was what I found...Leaving your son in school signifies that you view your present as a non-issue because you feel that you are in control and have the skills necessary to resolve the problem. Hence, you feel comfortable 鈥渓eaving鈥?him there. This will tie in nicely with the significance of a child in your dreams 鈥?Innocence. This鈥檒l mean that you have an inert wish for things to develop at a faster pace than it is. The current situation is at an infant / early stage and you鈥檒l like for things to move on.However, a crying child will signify that you are getting very much stressed over the turn of events and need an outlet of release. To eventually find your son at a coffeeshop, where the key word here, I estimate, would be 鈥渃offee鈥?will mean that you are over-stimulated and in line with the previous reading, over-stressed. This translates into a need for you to slow down and view the current situation with much more analysis.In conclusion, in your life right now, you are bogged down by what is happening and would like very much to move on, though it is probably beyond your control. However, it is affecting you so much you may be on the verge of a breakdown. The remedy is to take a step back and slow your thoughts down. Likely rationale: University studies stress + Work poor results concern + Issues with previous marriage Suggested remedy: Pace yourself in your studies (time management?), Understand that the work concerns are beyond your control and you just have to do what you can, Ask yourself and consult your lawyer what are the immediate steps are and take it one at a timeLL
2/3/06 13:06

Wei shoots...
wow... what u wrote brought tears into my eyes too... You are far too stressed already... u really ought to speak to the lawyers and see if theres any other more speedy methods to get this resolved... its very unhealthy for yr mental. And everytime after u try to visit him and get all those horrible treatments its even worse... and moreover yr work and studies is also very stressful..How much can a person hold!? i dun wan to see u down with depression one day... pls take care...
2/3/06 13:34

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Newspaper Report on Feb 28

There are really this kind of unreasonable, despicable people around just like my ex husband who really tries to make things difficult for the other party.
*************************

In the newspaper today.....
His side of the story:The court ruling for his divorce allowed him access to the children during Chinese New Year, the school holidays and every Sunday.He was also given overnight access to his son every two weeks.The children now live with his ex-wife in her parents' home.After the divorce, he visited their home once a month but each time,he claimed, he was denied access.'They would come up with different excuses, saying that the childrenwere not in or that the kids didn't wish to see me,' he said.'Sometimes, they would just not answer my phone calls.'Yet, when he did get through to the children by phone, Alex claimed thechildren told him how much they missed him.

He showed The New Paper a police report he made on 9 Feb 2001.It was his birthday and Alex had planned to take the children out for ice-cream.He said he gave his ex-wife three days' notice. But, on the day itself,Alex called the house unsuccessfully from 11am to 6.15pm.
His ex-wife refused to grant him access to his children, he claimed.'I may not have been the perfect father but does that mean I mustlose my children?' he asked, as tears welled.'It's painful if I continue seeing my children. It's painful if I stop seeing them.''Sometimes, I think that I should just forget they were ever my children.'

******************************

Sigh... i fully understand his feelings when being faced with this kind of situation.
Read this in a flyer in the Family Court

What kind of things are especially damaging for children?
-not spending enough time with both parents
-parents using children to carry messages to each other
-parents using children to carry messages to each other
-parents who cannot cooperate with each other
-children being made to believe one parent is good and the other is bad
-children not feeling free to love both parents
-parents burdening children with adult problems

These are the things that the idiot has done.... he is guilty of all charges. As he do not read and is uneducated... so i guess i got to throw all these in his face. Uneducated idiot is what he is.

It is important that netiher parent verbally or physically attacks the other parent in front of their children.
Which he is guilty of this again.

Continuing anger or bitterness towards your former spouse can injure your children far more than the divorce itself.
The feelings that he showed are more important than the words he speak. That idiot is guilty again.Sigh... all these are written in self help books all the time. And that uneducated idiot obviously has not done any reading and doing things that he thinks which is correct and it is wrong.

Children need to be given permission to love, enjoy and spend time with both parents.
If a child consistently refuses contact, then family counselling should be considered.
Sleeping over in each parent's home shoule be encouraged.

They need reassurance that they need permission to love both parents....

I guess i have nothing to say about that idiot's actions anymore. He is guilty of all charges which you can read about. An uneducated loser he has always been ... every since i know him. And i guess with my thousand plus eyesight really makes me blink for 2 years of dating time and 1 year of marriage....to get out of the hell hole.

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Feb 24, 20066

He yelled at my parents and he shouted 'f**k you' to my mother infront of my dad and said that he will hit us if he can. And he showed such disrespect when my dad told him off. What do you expect me to do after you scold my wife? And that is your mother in law, your elder. How can you use these words to her? Moreover she is a woman. And of course he didn't apologise. This shows how well is his upbringing and what makes it worst that the son is around and the MIL is behind smiling as if her son is doing something glamourous. And when we tell him off with regards on what say. He kept on clapping his hands in glee. And my dad told him that his actions are really childish and it shows his maturity. And he said we insulted his mother. Excuse me... did he hear what we said? We just said that she threw thirty water at me and curse my mother to be hospitalised, as a devoted buddist as she proclaimed herself to be. How can such words and actions come out from her? And that is insulting?????? Then her cursing and her actions are not insulting? Or should i say he yelled vulgarities at us were not insulting?? How blind can she be? And MIL purposely wet the sitting area at 650pm knowing that we will sit there and wait. My parents saw her came out and wet that area only. And he has threatened to hit us if he can. So violent. My dad even tell him why he behaved like that, so childish, clapping his hands in glee wrt what my mother had said to him. And he told my dad that he was being provoked.. to being the way he is as he is very bad tempered. He admitted it himself that he is bad tempered.... and he can't control it???? Well, one sentence of advice: He can choose to refuse to react to my provocation. But he did not, thus he could hardly restrain himself and his anger with difficulty and therefore made us more vulnerable to his attacks if my dad was not around.

When he asked the son if he told him that this is not your mommy, the son said yes.... and he quickly said that son didnt hear properly his question and he proceeded to ask a few more times emphasizing certain words. That is brain washing in front of us.

AND he kept on insisting that i had affairs during the time of our marriage which I DID NOT. He assume and believe that i did. And he seems adamnent that i did. Maybe it is his way of excuse that he hit me.... Son said that i have a lot of bf and gf during my course of marriage and i hit that idiot. Oh.. what facts did he drill into the son? Rubbish to cover his violent and loser ways of his. When ask if daddy has a gf? Son said no..... and he needs to ask his questions a few times before son say mommy. Which is his gf.... what kind of moral values is he showing my son? What kind of lies is he feeding my son?And he said that i took alot of pictures to post on the net. Is he scared? Did he do something wrong? Then he said that if i am not afraid, why should i keep on shifting my site.... Why? Cos i do not want him to read it.

This is my diary online and he is trying to use of my diary against me. Why should i allow it? It is a place where i keep my memories. And he brought up the newspaper stuff again... all thanks to the nasty journalist who sensationalise it to her own advantage. If i really did what the newspaper proclaim me to be doing. I would have been sacked and terminated. Since these are not happening, i can only say that he doesn't know how to read properly and fed his lawyer with lies without confirming the facts. And his monkey is no longer jumping around him nowadays... why? Gotten advice to keep the monkey away for the time being?

Let's put it this way. He has always been insecure with my guy friends. The people that he has accused me of are my childhood friend since primary school and poly days. They are the ones who are always there for me. Now they are still friends of course.

When he assume something, he will imagine it to be true... and the scenerio will keep on replaying in his mind till he believes that it had happened. That is the thinking of the loser. And of course, he deny hitting me when i was in my 3rd week of maternity. And when we moved into our matrimonial flat. I gave up when he hit me the 3rd time in the 2 years of marriage. I lost interest in man.... really give up on them. And there he still can say that i have affairs with men????? huh???? i guess i hate men enough to be totally put off for another 2 years which is in 2002 to 2004. He replayed the things that he wanted so much to believe in that he is living a lie... and thus making my son paying for his lies....

You may ask, if is it painful for me? Yes, of course to see my son to go through that kind of family upbringing. But then, Life is too short for me to engage myself in his lies and deceit.Let it be.... let it be.

Just pray hard and God will lead the way.....

Affected by the events. I walked all the way with tears to junction eight. I just need to walk away all my frustrations and sadness.

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Mother's Love


One calm,bright,sweet,sunshineday,an angel stole out a heaven andcame down to this old world,and roamed fieldand forest,city and hamlet.Just as the sun went down
he spread his wings andsaid:"Now my visit is out,and I must go
back to the world of light.Butbefore I go,I must gather some mementos
of my visit here."He lookedinto a beautiful flower garden and said,"How lovely
and fragrant these flowers
are".He plucked the rarest roses and made
a bouquet and
said,"I see nothing more
beautiful and fragrant than these;
I will take them with me."But he looked a
little further and saw a bright-eyed,
rosy-cheeked baby,
smiling into its mother's
face.And he said,"Oh,that baby's smile
is prettier than this bouquet;I will take
that too."Then he looked just beyond the cradle
and there was a mother's
love pouring out like the gush of a river
toward the cradle and the baby.And he
said,"Oh,that mother's love is the prettiest
thing I have seen on earth;I will
carry that,too."With the three treasures
he winged his way to the
pearly gates,and lit just on the outside
and said,"Before I go in,I will examine
my mementos."And he looked at the flowers
and they had withered.He looked at the
baby's smile and it had faded.He looked
at the mother's love and there it was,in
all it's pristine beauty.He threw aside
the withered flowers and faded
smile,and wing his way through the gates and led
all the hosts of heaven
together and said,"Here is the only thing
I found on earth that would keep
its beauty all the way to heaven-
It is a mother's love

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Feb 19, 2006

Cousin came and fetch at 630pm. And we went to Bukit Timah there to have fish head curry.I asked to hold Joshua little hands and he did.

My tears just fell and i can't stop sobbing. And of course Joshua was a bit uncomfortable. But i guess he knows that it is because of Raphael. I can just close my eyes and imagine that it was Raphael's hands in mine. Cousin consoled me. The thought pains me so much that Raphael was so influenced by negative things about me that he shun my hands and my mother's hands. Touching him.... Just looking at Joshua reminds me so much of my little Raphael. So young and innocent. A white piece of canvas being painted day by day by uncouth methods, hatred, negative feelings in him. All i want is Raphael to be happy. And it hurts me deep in my heart that my hands are binded and i can't do anything to help my baby.

Everyone is assuring me that things will turn out well... cos he can see that i miss Raphael like crazy.

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Feb 18, 2006


The mattress that my mom made for Raphael. I always sleep on it now. I still can visualise and smell raphael's smell there. It makes me feel alot more closer to baby. I miss him. I have been sleeping on it ever since baby has not been home.... a mother's love can never be compared with anything.

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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Feb 17, 2006






The police officer came and tried to get people to respond to his calling outside his gate. Excuse me. Neighbours can hear the police and they can't? Must be deaf. So the police officer was really nice and kind enough to walk all the way to the back to check if there is anyone at home. And there they are behind the MIL and son. By the time we walked out to the front, MIL has not even walked to the front gate. Nevertheless, she slowly hobbered to the gate. She kept on standing around Raphael, smirking all the way. But yet she is always on the phone waiting for instructions from her son. Sad case... that her authority is long gone. Given to the son. And found a puppy with raphael. Of course, can the idiot refused anything that raphael wants now? He can't. Cos they don't want him to run back to me if they deprived him of anything. Thus spoiling the child. Son at last... said to the policemen that daddy said cannot go out with Mommy. And the police officers noted it down. And i managed to get alot of photos of baby. Without an idiot around, there will definitely be slips up between him n the MIL. And i have gotten what i want without him around. Took cab down to make a report. And the police are really sympathetic and agreed that there are always this kind of people around. Good. Cheers.

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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His Unreasonable Unmanly Demands

There will be no overnight access until Raphael is old enough to look after himself
(If a guy who is at the age of 30 plus, and still needs his mother to wash, iron and clean after him. So what right has anybody got to say which age is Raphael old enough to look after himself?)

Your client is to disclose to our client her residential address and telephone number once she stops residing at the matrimonial home. Our client will personally pick Raphael from your client's residence at the end of your client's access, unless your client is out with Raphael, in which event your client shall send Raphael home to our client.
(As my personal privacy, i have the right not to disclose my residential address and telephone number. That is invasion of privacy.)

Your client is to pay our client $500 per month for the maintenance of Rapahael
( For his car more likely.... does it mean that Raphael needs 1k per month to survive?)

There shall be no maintenance for your client
(I have never heard of a guy asking for maintenance for the child. And he deny my rights for maintenance. LOSER)

Until the surrender of the flat to the HDB, your client shall be entitled to reside in the said flat on condition that she continues to pay for all the outgoings including the balance of the renovation loan.
(Hello??? Renovation loan is two joint names together and he expected me to pay for his share. He must be in such a bad shape that he needs me to pay for more than 20k of reno loan which we shared. If like that .... any beneficial proceeds from the house should go 100% to me wat. What an idiot!)

We are instructed that the only joint account parties have is used for the payment of the renovation loan. Our client will withdraw therefrom and your client can operate it simply for purposes of the repayment of the renovation loan.
(Excuse me! That is two joint renovation loan in case he does not know how to read. His name is on it. What gives him the right that he can default on his side. Like that i also can say no. Stupid.)

LionHeart roars at Sunday, April 02, 2006 0 comments

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