Had nightmares again. Woke up a few times. Every nightmare is of Raphael calling out to me. And asking me to help him. Asking me not to leave. Is it a sign? Or is it one of my hope? Mother's instinct of her child in trouble? Tears was in my eyes when i woke up. I can't remember the exact detail but i know that it was Raphael calling out to me ... that woke me up

Please god, show me a sign. Cos i know not what to do anymore.

Today, i chatted with my mother over the phone about my baby. Then my tears roll down non stop but yet i checked my voice.. to make sure it doesn't betray my emotions in case it affected her. Talking about children with my colleagues also brought tears to my eyes till my colleagues changed topic and not talk about children in front of me.. instead they talked about shopping, mj and upcoming holidays plans to divert my mind.. on other things. I really appreciate my colleagues effort in diverting my energy and mind elsewhere instead of thinking about sad stuffs regarding to my son. They know that i am very emotional when comes to my son and they know what is going on. And they cannot imagine the pain. Some can even tear with me when imagining themselves in my shoes and they got affected instead.The pain of being deny... is too great to be put in words. I guess God must be so devasted when the people of the world deny him and turn to other belief.... but yet he persevere and show them that he will still always be there for them. I guess i also have no choice but to walk in the Lord's way and follow him through out the whole journey as he is my light in my darkest hour.

I love you Raphael forever for a mother's love is always unconditional.

O, there are some who want to get away from all their past; who, if they could would fain begin all over again... but you must learn, you must let God teach you, that the only way to get rid of your past is to get a future out of it. God will waste nothing. - -Phillips Brooks