Seeing You Again











Dear Raphael,

Spent more than an hour plus running around your classroom trying to have closer look at you... how you behave... what did you do in class.... You are such a charmer.... sigh....

Sat outside your classroom waiting for you to finish class so that you know that i am there... your father came and fetch you... he waited outside the door as you can see... and he blocked your view from me... he walked down to the corridor way talking to you...and he thought better of it.. and he pointed me out to you... you didn't want to come over so i went over.. you hid behind him all the way refusing to talk answer me... talk to me at all.... But at least you were smiling behind him..

He brought you to the car... and he motioned for me to go over.... you ran into the car immediately....and lock the doors....

Your father was so fake.. he said that i do not need to take pictures so far away.. he didn't say i cannot take picture of you.... of course he didn't ... when he already taught you to hide from me ... hide from my camera.. and run away whenever you see me..... Sometimes.. i wonder what did he say to you about me, grandma and gong gong.... i just hope that you remember what he say......and when you grow up.. see the extend of brainwashing he did to you......

I walked off when you refused to talk to me and see me....he then purposely drove towards my direction...and you rolled down the windows and yelled BYE BYE MOMMY and waved to me.... Tears just ran down my face when you did that.... he knows it... i wonder what did he promised to give you... if you did that... i wonder if he gave you permission to do that.. that is why you did that.... he knows that you are the only one that can bring hurt and tears to me...... just by a simple gestures.. oh he knows... and he is using you as a pawn in this divorce case of ours.....

I love you lots... baby

Loving you from afar, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Tuesday, August 29, 2006 0 comments

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Good Times Together

Dear Raphael,

I was looking through our pictures together again... every single picture in my mind is still so fresh... that i can almost hear your laughter and hear you calling me once again when i closed my eyes..... memories once again.. of our good times together..... so painful now to even think of it. Tears will just welled up again with thoughts of you....

Our Beach Times Together

Teaching you the primary one syllabus when you are 5 years old


You were so interested in magic tricks at a party

So many memories of you so fresh in my mind.. sometimes, my primary and secondary school friends will ask about you... and there they go saying... just take it easy... he will come back to you one day.. must have faith in God....

Easier said than done .. baby, when you are my flesh and blood ... you came out from me... i carried you for 9 months... sigh.. something that most of my friends do not understand...

I am really missing you like crazy... with memories...

I wonder if you still have memories of me kept at the back of your mind.. or has it been poisoned so deeply that all happy times together are being erased....

Always with open arms, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Monday, August 28, 2006 0 comments

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Upper Thomson Road


Dear Raphael,

Everytime i go to SIM for my night classes, i will always pass by your house.... Looking at the direction you are in, closing my eyes and I can almost feel you near...with your face pressed against mine, trying to see what i was looking at... i can feel the tears welling up inside me....

OH Raphael... Mommy misses you lots....

LionHeart roars at Monday, August 21, 2006 0 comments

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Saving Money



Dear Raphael,

Times are tough... your era will be tougher. Money is one of the few important things that you must have in life. Just to ensure a better living standards and of course for emergency.

Like fighting for you in court needs cash... going for holidays need cash... depends on location... Going for further studies also need lots of cash.

I really hope that daddy will teach you how to save when i am not around. From what i know of daddy... he seldom plans for future and spends whatever he has. He has a poor hold on his own finances as his priorities are not right. And he always rely on his father to help him out whenever he has money problems. Like the divorce, he definitely uses his mother money and definitely i can 100% confirm that he asked his dad for the cash... that is why he is suing here and there cos he is not the one who is paying for it.

As for me, baby, i am using all my savings just to fight for you... drying up all my resources with the childish acts of your dad which incurred so must extra expenses when the divorce is not even done. Immature and childish. Now, i have to save all over again... for the divorce.. for my master.. for my own house. Lots of things.... but nevertheless, i still do faithfully pay for your insurance since you are born till now.... and put in 100 dollars in your bank account every month incase you need it when you are older... i always do have you in my mind...

Please learn to save.. and try to save whenever you can... so that you can come back to me when you are 12 years old.

I love you lots,

Mommy.

LionHeart roars at Saturday, August 19, 2006 0 comments

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Happy Birthday to Daddy


Dear Raphael...

Here you are.. inside the house once again.. being denied access to see me or even go out with me or even go and visit gong gong and grandma... All thanks to daddy.

So here we are... wishing your daddy happy birthday... may he give you happiness...with that look on your face... sigh.. i wonder who is happy... your daddy or you....

Loving you always,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Wednesday, August 16, 2006 0 comments

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Got it!

Dear Raphael,

Your daddy called again to update me that you have got into Ai Tong Primary School. That's fantastic! Cos got personal friends inside there who are teachers... which means i am able to know more things about you... and maybe can get pictures of you studying or having your CCA easily.. and of course.. with your class photo! I can get your every year class photo!

Oh... Raphael.. i am so excited for you to go to school. Can't help but look forward to you growing up. Till you are twelve... you can make the choice to come back to me... 6 more years to wait.. for you to grow up and be mine again...

Is it a false hope that i am giving myself... i do not know. But as long as i have hope... you have hope too...

Loving you lots,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Monday, August 14, 2006 0 comments

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OMG

Dear Raphael,

What is this? I was looking through your pictures again. Thinking of you. And i chanced upon this picture. Enlarged it... why are you posing with your middle finger.. ha ha. It was so hilarious. I can't stop laughing. Memories ... are all i have of you...

Missing you lots,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Tuesday, August 08, 2006 1 comments

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Anonymous Anonymous shoots...

this father is BAD!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 10:00:00 PM  

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Uncle

Dear Raphael

A psychiatrist once said:

Life is complex already
why make things more complicated that it is already that....

i dont like to tell people what to do
but i would explore with people what other ways that can also make them comfortable
and getting a similar results
they want
let them make their on decision
because change have to come from inside
they have to convince themselves that they are responsible for their decision


Good news is that he will be coming back in Sept. He worked at FSC in Sg for his internship and he has seen lots of cases like me and your daddy. He gave me advises now and then. And it helps me to be more open and i really feel much better whenever i talked to him. I will bring you to see him once things are settled. Cos i know that it will do you good to chat with him and let everything out.. with no more burdens on you....

Love, Mommy

LionHeart roars at Sunday, August 06, 2006 0 comments

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Last 2 Saturdays


Dear Raphael,

Last 2 Saturdays, I was at Bishan St 22. Near your house, giving tuition at a tuition centre. This little boy is so sweet and whenever he smiles at me... he reminds me of you. I touch his little hands... and it felt just like yours. Have to fight down the urge to just grab him and cry buckets onto his little shoulders... thinking he is you. He is a year older than you. He is in primary one. He is checking his dictionary for the difficult words.. really smart. With little kids like him, i just wished that you are right beside me.

Missing you like crazy,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Wednesday, August 02, 2006 0 comments

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First Day of Pri One Registration

Dear Raphael,

Today is the first day of phase 2c of primary one registration. Wonder if daddy knows how to go about registering you. Wonder if he knows about the forms that he needs to fill up.. needs to bring. He didn't even bother to ask me where he is going to register you in. This shows his character. He just wants to put me out of your life totally in all your choices in life. I wished.. i wished.. that i could be there to guide you. Instead of him... who knows nothing about the education line in schools... Sigh....

I didn't call him to ask anything cos i do not want him to know that i care and he will use it against me. The only weakness in my life which he could attack is you... only you baby. And he knows it. And i will never ever shows this side of me to him.... cos i don't want him to hurt you... he has already hurt you enough by negatively affecting your judgement towards me... thus making you feel that you can't love me the way you want to.. and making your childhood filled with unhappiness... oh baby.... what can i do ... my hands are tied....

In the end, he called at around 4pm to inform me that he has registered you in Ai Tong Pri Sch and they will ballot. If you don't get in, then he will re register you in Catholic. Just to inform, never seek advice or ask for my opinion. Sigh... Parents always think they know best but in actual fact... they don't. They just listen to others... sigh.

Missing you lots baby,
Mommy

LionHeart roars at Tuesday, August 01, 2006 0 comments

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