Dear Raphael,

Guess where did i go... for creations of new memories....
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China Eastern Airlines... stop in the middle of nowhere and need to take a bus to the airport. So old fashioned.

Went to Pu Tou Shan for the first 3 days to pray to 'Guanyin'. Took 4 hours bus ride.... 2 hours boat ride before reaching there. Prayed for your health and happines.... Prayed for gong gong and grandma health and happiness too...... All my thoughts were of you when i prayed.... it was worth it... 3 days of travelling and praying for you.

Saw a lot of clothes and shoes for you at Xiang Yang.... have to stop the impulse of buying for you. Not knowing if you are allowed to accept gifts from me... but still.. all my thoughts were on you......
Guess what.. i found it after so many years..... something that your daddy has always wanted. Crikets....real... crikets... they made so much noise. He always asked me to get it for him in Thailand... but i found them in China.. ha ha...beautiful arent they?


During the whole trip.... tears flowed silently. Heartache and pain of losing someone ... is so intense. Thought i was strong.. thought i was tough... but i guess i am still vulnerable. Marriage to your daddy had put phobia and fear that i no longer want to get married ever again... and this thought has been implanted in me for 4 years already. Now, it affects me.... he wants commitment... he wants a future... he wants marriage... but all these are the things that i fear the most..... oh baby... hold my hands and make me strong... cos i can't handle the emotions of losing him just because of my past. All has come to an end for i can't change the past that has mould me into what i am ... and i am alone once again. May it be for the better or for worse.... only my love for you is unconditional....i love you lots...

Yours lovingly, Mommy